Poems and stuff by Maté Jarai…
Poems and stuff by Maté Jarai…

…poppin’ awake



It’s just one of those times when you just pop awake and that’s it. It doesn’t matter that it’s four thirty, it doesn’t matter at all. You just pop awake and you’re awake so you do things. It’s still dark outside and I just turn on my light, I’m awake so I start acting awake. There’re things going on, my head is racing around, going a bit crazy, it’s fine though. I pop awake, disconnect all that shit and I’m awake doing stuff at four thirty. I can sleep later let’s do some shit! Being awake is great, beats sleeping. No more terrible dreams, what was I dreaming of? I try to remember. I don’t. Later it will come to me.

Being awake I should make the most of it, use these blessed hours I’ve been gifted, just popping up like this, I should use these hours, what a gift. I smoke a spliff, that’s always a great thing. I’m awake at four thirty, the rest of the world is out, I should be high, no other way really. Is there? I think for a minute. No there isn’t. It’s silly to even ponder.

It’s nice to just sit and look at the surroundings. Lots of memories in the room with me, especially at this time.  Everyone else is unconscious, unaware of me and what’s happening so the memories in the walls, the pictures, the furniture, it’s all more real than normal because it’s all I have, it’s all anything has right now at four thirty while the world sleeps.

Looking out the window I expect the dark to feel at an end, to look a little too pale, a little too blue, only it doesn’t. It’s still very black in fact, extremely black, a slight orange glow here and there, but no blue, no grey at all either. It’s very black and I start to feel tired, but that’s silly. I’ve popped awake, no need to give up on that, let’s wait for that sun to crawl over that house in the distance. That’s where it always crawls up, I have to wait for it.

It’s cold outside when I get in my car. My blue car looks black and it’s cold when I get in. It can’t be summer but of course it is.

I drive on back roads in the country, nice roads where usually I see green fields and trees, fences, road kill, dogs, farmers, people, just people, and it finally starts to feel like morning might be soon and I know I will see all those things shortly. This is great, I’m up when everyone is wasting their time dreaming about sharks eating their children and people breaking into their houses and stealing their stuff. Fuck sleep. I keep driving until my eyes flutter shut and I assume I crash, because next thing I know I’m staring at some bushes and a fence, or at least I think a fence, it’s still very black, very dark, hazy. It’s only a little greyer than before, still no blue, but the car feels broken and my air bag is blown up and I sit there, and I feel hot, my forehead feels hot, but no blood I’m pleased to find.

I walk down the road leaving my car behind and just like that it’s light. Don’t remember it getting light but it’s light and I no longer care about the many things that surely fired me awake. I just stroll down that road and not a single life is breathing conscious air, all dreaming about wolves and killer bees, the lucky ones maybe about a promotion or a new puppy, but I’m living it, the pale blue, that sun about to creep up, I’m living breathing awake with a sore head and a million possibilities. I stroll down that road and it feels great and I’m so glad I popped awake at four thirty. I’m never going to sleep again if it’s like this. Is it always like this? It’s definitely always like this. I’m sure about that if I’m sure of anything at this point.

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