Poems and stuff by Maté Jarai…
Poems and stuff by Maté Jarai…

…a confession

This is my thirty-year-old Hungarian face

I’m melancholic and often numb

Or if not I’m angry and disatisfied

Fairly lazy and ungrateful

Entitled and exhausted

In need of constant mind tweaking and/or attention

just to keep going

I’m poor and have lost almost all my ambition

Always want what I don’t have

I’m envious of what others have while pretending not to give a fuck

I’m weak physically and even

weaker mentally

I’m paranoid and scared

I’m restless and impatient

Dangerously impulsive

I’m immature and unreliable 

I’m disappointed and a complete disappointment

I spend too much time in my own head far away from here

I lack willpower, common sense and practical skills

I’m not pretty or smart or interesting or even interested

I’m bored of basically everything including myself

I write stuff no one reads

I make music no one listens to

I teach English for 11 euros an hour in a town no one outside of Italy has heard of

I feel ignored

I’m often lonely

I hate myself daily

I’m sad sometimes for no good reason

I’m irrational and insecure

I waste a lot of time

I’m dumber than I once was

Forgot most of what I’ve learned

I rarely engage in politics

Or actively participate in saving

the world

I just complain about how

much it sucks and how

stupid everyone is

I’m a hypocrite

I’m my own construction 

I’m fake and meaningless

Senseless and aimless

Just a bunch of ‘stuff’

But you know what kids?

Now that it’s out there at least there’s no pressure

I can just walk around freely like all the other cunts just walking around waiting to die while living a little along the way

I’m happy about it

Feeling loose about it

And sometimes, in flickering instances on warm, sunny days, I might still be deluded enough to think I’m gona make it

On those days I’ll struggle but it’s always been a good fight

Yeah, I’m happy about it

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